I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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