Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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