I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
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I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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