Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
