I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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