last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
