then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
