Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
