i permit you to call me
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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