FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
