genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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