why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
