Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
