I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
did you just send me my own nude
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
