Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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