No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She bit a glass in half.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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