Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
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HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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