when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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