elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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