: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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