I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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