am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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