He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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