I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
