Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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