I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
