I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
