Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
