i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
