God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
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Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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