i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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