Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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