Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
