Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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