saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
