yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
