u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
