I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
