Michael Bay diarrhea
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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