I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
