Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
