my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
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Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
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So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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