you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
