I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
