sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
