I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
