Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
