Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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