Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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