If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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