Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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