Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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