apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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