Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
