dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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