tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
